Ok, so I'm finally telling about how my dad reacted a week ago on Wednesday when I told him I'm quitting studies here and moving back to Finland. He didn't have a seizure and I was relieved (I later even understood why it didn't happen), but he did get a tad bit angry with me. He didn't start yelling at me, and actually now when I think of it, why would he had even started? What he did was say that he can't and won't stop me, but he hopes that I understand how serious this is and that my decision will affect the whole family in a very unpleasant way and that I will end up like my Finnish granny (i.e. I'll get pregnant at 20 (wow, I need to hurry then), meet the wrong guy, turn into an alkie because of him and die at 65), IN OTHER WORDS I will ruin my life, and that if I return to Finland and "leave the battlefield", I'll deny God. Yep. It's not easy to be his daughter.

He also told me that he can read all of his children like an open book except me and the nicer brother - we are mysteries. He told me how I was distant even as a kid, I never let him close and I always had these walls up and deliberately closed him outside. That's, he told me, why Marina was always his favourite, she was like a cat that brushed against him longing for affection and patting. When he told me this, I realized I had been a fool expecting him to react the same to Marina's bad news and MY bad news. I had no idea Marina was his favourite, he did a good job hiding it, gotta give him credit for that. But I should've seen it, you know. When he left to Paris in 2004, not once did I miss him. Seriously. I guess that makes me a horrible daughter but I can't lie, I didn't miss him. And I've said before that I hardly ever miss people when I'm away, I just miss places and feelings. I guess I might seem a bit... cold, to some people then, building my walls and what not. That's the way my dad sees me. Anyway, one night in 2004 right after dad had left, Marina was lying in her bed crying and missing dad, and I told her how I didn't miss him at all and she told me that I'm a cold and heartless bastard. I know she didn't mean it. After all, she was only 14 then, and she was upset at the moment. And when I mentioned it in MSN last week when I told her about how she was always the favourite, she said that she doesn't even remember saying it and couldn't believe me. I always remember trivial stuff like this and they bother me for years.. but that's just the way I am.

I just want to make clear to you that I'm not jealous of Marina's favourite kid status. I don't see why I should be jealous when I've never wanted to be the favourite? I've always been afraid of dad, maybe that's why he thought I was distant in the beginning. Maybe I didn't want to be distant when I was 5, but when I was 15... Hm. Dunno really. I don't long for a close relationship anymore. I'm fine like this, it's been like this for the past 20,75 years so I think I'll be just fine for the next 50 years as well. It's kinda like me and my Serbian relatives - I did perfectly well without them for the first 19 years of my life and I'm pretty sure I'll cope without them now that I'm returning to Finland.

Anyway. Me and dad are still talking but I can see he's annoyed with me. Well.. 1 month and 3 weeks to go and I'm back in Finland. For good this time. And 3 weeks till I see my little sisters! That's worth waiting for.

Something to listen to:
2Pac - Life Goes On