Okay, I know the layout looks horrible but believe me, it's not supposed to look like this. There's supposed to be a pretty picture of the sea with some Goo Goo Dolls lyrics (though I didn't know they were from a Goo Goo Dolls song before I read the layout description), but it seems like I'm supposed to host the picture by myself and at the moment I can't be arsed to do it. Sorry. It's way too late, I'm way too tired and I'm supposed to wash my hair before going to sleep AND I've got loads of shit on my heart, which is hardly no surprise considering the way I abandoned my previous diary. Anywho, I'll sort out the layout problem asap. (LATER: layout problem solved)

Sigh. Let's get this over with. So you all know I found out my youngest big brother was reading my previous diary? Well, you know now. I started suspecting him on last week's Saturday when Bravenet made a small mistake and showed his visit from this computer even if the counter was supposed to ignore my own hits to my diary (my bad karma with all the electronic stuff seems to yield some good stuff too). I turned the feature off on purpose on that Saturday and waited for another hit from this computer while I'm not home, to make sure it wasn't for example my dad who accidentally clicked something wrong (and because he speaks hardly any English, he probably wouldn't have figured out that it's my diary). My brother checked the diary again on Wednesday, and I asked my other brother (the older & nicer one) if he was home at the moment (didn't mention anything about the diary) and he said he wasn't (and I knew he was at the uni then but I was just making sure). But I knew it was the younger brother already before that Wednesday when he started lecturing me about all the expensive make-up and hair care products that I've been buying lately, which I haven't mentioned to him (for some reason), and unless he's always up-to-date on the contents of my make-up bag (i.e. uses them while I'm not home, i.e. is gay (well you never know)), there's no other way for him to find about them than reading my diary. I confronted him about it last night and the bastard didn't even apologize! He just mumbled that the diary's public so "it doesn't matter" (and he even said he didn't read it "regularly", like it's supposed to make me feel better). Using Heidi's words I replied that THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT. It's my fucking diary, it's personal, it's one of the rare places where I can be me and now he's taken even that from me. Seriously, that's how I feel. He obviously doesn't feel the same. I'm just so tired of fighting with him all the time and I try not to tick him off but it's pretty difficult when everything that I do seems to make him go berserk.

Like, did I mention he suspected I have an eating disorder? Of course he's not right but still he managed to get angry with me because of just suspecting something. And let's say that I really did have an eating disorder - don't you think the last thing I needed was someone behaving like him, getting angry at me because of having an eating disorder for God's sake? NO. And the guy has the nerve to claim to know me thoroughly, since he's known me all my life (naturally, he's my brother after all). If he knew me at all, he wouldn't behave like he's behaving right now.

Though he's right about one thing - I've stopped caring, I don't care about what he says anymore. How could I NOT stop when caring only makes me feel like shit? If I seem like a cold and emotionless person to him because of that, I can't help it. He's cornered me and this is the only way I'm capable of answering to him when words don't work.

Enough about him. Mum came here today from Finland, I didn't realize how much I've missed her before I saw her. I don't know why but I hardly ever miss people, only places and the way I felt somewhere, and sometimes it feels wrong. I mean, people are supposed to miss other people. But you know, I'm not good at all that emotional stuff. For example, it's extremely hard for me to say "I love you" or just express my feelings, be they positive or negative. I can write about them when I'm not talking to anyone in particular (like in this diary) but talking about emotions with someone face to face (or even in MSN) is just.. I don't do that stuff. Unless I'm drunk. And even then I end up crying. I do that when I'm sober too, though.

I still think I should go to some sort of a psychiatrist (God I hate that word) and.. you know, talk about things. Because I've still got some unsolved things and I'm obviously not capable of sorting out my feelings by myself all the time. And I should find another way of dealing with troublesome people than shutting them away from my life and turning off my emotions (like I do with the brother). Sometimes I feel like there's a huge knot inside me that I just can't untangle, and it gets unbearable at times when I'm under a lot of stress and am having a hard time at home and at the uni. But I just don't want to take the first step because I know I'll start crying the moment I start talking about it - it's always like it. That's why I turned down the high school doctor's suggestion to talk with someone "professional" back in 2004. I told you I don't do that emotional stuff.