I am a bit.. nervous. Just a tiny tiny bit. I just heard we have to have all the L.A. projecting assignments done by Thursday and I don't know if the assistant will accept them later. I think she will but the grades will be lower or something. I have no idea how many assignments I have waiting to get done and I think I might have a heart attack.

Ok, A just texted me. Apparently we have 4 NEW assignments plus an old one (that I haven't done yet) and they all have to be done by Thursday, and being late is not accepted. Oh fuck. I think I'm feeling slightly nauseous. You know what this means? I'm not going to sleep before Thursday.

God, how I wish I was in Finland.

Last night sort of sucked big time, because I was homesick even before I left the country. I just.. couldn't get sleep. Isn't it ironic that last night when I could've slept, I wasn't able to and now when I want to sleep, I'm not allowed. Welcome to my life.

I guess I could always pay someone to do the assignments.. But that would be wrong. And who can do them so quickly? The assistant would be suspicious because she knows what kind of an idiot I AM. Oh God, oh God. What am I going to do? If I was REALLY good at L.A. projecting (I seriously have no idea if the word projecting can be used in this context but I'm going to use it anyway) it'd take me one day per assignment, but I only have 2,5 days. 2,5 freaking days! I'm so screwed. Seems like I won't be studying this projecting thingy in the spring semester, because these assignments have to be done before it. Yup, I'm so screwed. Though on the other hand, I'm probably not going to enrol the third year anyway. At least not on time, so it doesn't really matter.. I could always take the second projecting course in spring 2009.

God, all this stress is killing me. And I can't even blame anyone else for it but me. I knew I shouldn't have gone to Finland for Christmas and New Year. Reasons? 1) I'm late with all my assignments, not just these stupid projecting thingies and spending 2 weeks hanging out with my friends (albeit I had a hell of good time) doesn't really do any good if you look at it from the professors' point of view. 2) I miss Helsinki even more now and can't stop wishing I lived there again. How could I have been so care-free just a couple of days ago? Or just a few hours ago? Ok, I wasn't that care-free just a few hours ago because I kinda got lost at Budapest's airport but I didn't freak out and I took care of everything and everything went fine and I'm here alive, with Mini. Just fucking stressed out, that's all. And I can't even go to sleep to get some energy for tomorrow because the stupid boiler hasn't heated water for my shower yet. Why can't I live in some civilized place where you don't fucking have to heat water every time you want to take a shower? WHY??

Last nigh I sorta cried a bit. I haven't done that in a long time. But then again, I haven't felt that desperate in a long time and I had a good reason (or many good reasons) to do it. In a way it felt even worse than what I went through in 2004, and THAT's pretty awful.. And to make it all worse, my nose started bleeding again (just like the other day) and it just wouldn't stop. In the end I didn't care and went to bed to get some sleep, but my head was so filled with all these sad thoughts and.. I can't really describe it. I wanted to wake Marina up so bad, you know, to talk to her about it but it wouldn't have been right towards her, I had already once woken her up that evening. So, I thought alone. You see, I've been toying with the idea of going back to Finland to study that landscape design thingy (sounds fancier than it is) at Stadia, but I've never really been serious about it. Last night I was pretty serious about it. If this keeps going like this, me stressing out so much that I feel physically sick and can't sleep and just.. don't know what to do, I'm seriously going to have to consider moving back to Finland and starting my studies at Stadia in September. I know that if I graduate from Stadia, there'll be a couple of numbers less in my salary but what the fuck does that matter if I'm happy? I don't care. I just want to be happy and be with people who love me and who I love back, people who accept me the way I am. My youngest brother doesn't love me, he doesn't even like me. I talked with him about how I still haven't fitted in perfectly here in Belgrade and how I'm going to move to Helsinki after my studies here and he looked at me like some idiot and said that I'm stupid. Does being me make me stupid? What kind of a brother says something like that? What an asshole. And then there's my dad, who told me that I'm a "lost case". Gee, thanks dad. Thanks for making me feel so damn confident and good about myself. Even my oldest brother sometimes thinks that I'm an idiot, he just doesn't get it. The only man in our house who gets me most of the time is the middle brother. We're most alike, I mean right after me and Marina, but what does it matter when I can't talk with him about stuff like this?

I miss Marina so much. She'd tell me to be an adult and keep my head up high and do my best whatever comes my way. I just don't have the energy to be happy alone right now. Seriously, I don't.

I feel like listening to some sad music but none of the 2341 songs that I have is sad enough. Though.. I think Natalie Walker's 'No One Else' (not some remix shit, the original stuff) is pretty close. Don't you think?