I'm a coward. Whenever there are problems that need to be solved, I'd rather forget about them, close my eyes and pretend they're not there, that they don't exist. I always seem to forget that it doesn't help at all. In fact, it just makes things worse. If you keep sweeping things under the rug, it'll get pretty crowded there. And underneath my rug it's pretty damn crowded at the moment, at least it was until today. I got tired of trying to hide from all the stuff that I haven't done, and I made myself go to uni today and talk with the L.A.P. assistant. Now, she can be the meanest person in the whole wide world if she wants to, and usually she does, and I'm afraid of her. I mean, really really afraid of her. She makes me stutter and feel like a clumsy 14-year-old. I think I'm almost more afraid of her than I was of my music theory teacher, and I really hated her. I used to wish that she'd break her leg and never be able to teach again, or that she'd die. The way she humiliated me at the classes was just.. You know, she did it only because she knew that I was the most shy girl in the class and I was afraid of her, and she liked the feeling of power she had over me.

Anyway, you get my point. I was afraid of her. And now I'm more afraid of this assistant woman. Going to her office feels like waiting to hear maths exam results in high school, or the way it felt like when I was in elementary school and I had heard my "bad" exam results and I knew I had to go home and tell my dad. I was always average, and I still am, but my dad wanted only the best. I've been stressing about school ever since I was 7, for God's sake, and people don't understand when I tell them that I stress about everything. I'm a people-pleaser, and in a way I still feel this need to succeed just to show my dad that I can do well, that I can be what he wants me to be. I know my dad's family wasn't normal, what with all the fighting and divorces and affairs and everything, and I know that being raised by your grandmother can never be the same as being raised by your own mother, but STILL, don't do the same mistakes with your own kids as YOUR parents did with you. I promise to myself that if I ever have kids, I'll be more understanding and more supportive and.. you know, just be there for them. Though on the other hand, raising children sounds (and is) so difficult that I doubt that I'm up to it - I'm like a kid myself sometimes. I have no idea how my mother survived with the six of us.

Anyways, I faced my fears today and talked with the assistant from hell, and she agreed to give me some extra time finish all the assignments. So, now the new deadline is the 17th of January, next week's Thursday. Natasha gave me the number of this one girl who does them for 2000 dinars (about 25 euros) per assignment, and I think I might call her today. It just breaks my heart to pay 100 euros for something like.. like this. I think I'll do a couple of them by myself and leave the most difficult ones to her. I mean, IF she has time to do them. If she doesn't have time, I'm screwed. It means I surely won't enrol the 3rd year on time. But doesn't matter, it's 95% sure that it won't happen anyway because of all the exams that I have left from the 1st year and the ones that I won't pass this year. But like I said, doesn't matter. I won't die because of it.

I was at Miki's last night with my middle brother and I listed his sister's Elle magazine (January's issue) and happened to read the horoscopes. Something caught my eye, something that might make me believe in horoscopes after all. When I talked with Heidi in Finland, she said that I've changed a lot in just a few weeks. Like, my moral (the thing that happened on that fatal Thursday a couple of weeks ago with J and his friend), my attitude towards life and everything. And Oona said the exactly same thing! And they both think that this is a good direction, and so do I. Dad disagrees but doesn't matter. Anyway, I read that Elle horoscope and there it said that just recently Leo has come out from under the effect of Saturn, which lasted 2,5 years, and big changes are to be expected, changes just like I've experienced! It's almost freaky. Unfortunately my love life seems to be a bit dead at the moment, but it's no wonder, I hardly have time for myself or Mini, not to mention a boyfriend. My short-lived romance with J seems to be a bit.. well, like I said, it was short-lived. I don't know what things will be like when I go back to Finland, and besides, it's way too early to think about that. After all it's 6 months away, ANYTHING could happen in the meantime.

Something to listen to:
Lauryn Hill - Tell him
or..
Pharrell - You can do it too