I think I might be having a nervous breakdown. All the time I keep wishing I was in Finland. I don't feel like I can take this.. stuff anymore. Everything here feels like.. I don't even know. I feel like I'm a captive here. I don't feel good at all. Not good at all. I'm under a lot of stress right now, and that with the homesickness and just general unhappiness and.. you know, feeling like this, demotivated.. it's like an explosive combination. I don't feel like I'm getting anything done, except maybe some dendrology stuff. I just want to pack my things and go back to Finland and sleep for the next 3 months.

AND my nose has started bleeding 5 TIMES this week. The first time it happened on Monday, my last night in Finland (when I was crying in the bathroom, remember) and the last two times were today (the 2nd one just 5 min ago). It just starts, just like that, without any warning. And it's SO annoying. I almost ruined my Mango hoodie by getting blood on it. Great. Like life wouldn't be grand enough without my best clothes getting ruined.

I have no idea what to do about my studies here. I remember mum telling me in last August, before I returned here, that I could stay in Helsinki if I wanted. Why didn't I say yes? Instead I just shut up. I remember how I felt like crying back then. I don't know what's the matter with me, can't I say my own opinions out loud? Jesus. I know that if I'll announce my parents that I'm quitting my studies here, my dad will flip out and mum will have to be on dad's side because otherwise he'll get mad at her. And then dad's opinion about me will be even worse. Though I don't know if it could be any worse. Remember, I'm the "lost case"? Though, I suppose if I told him that I was pregnant (not that I am) AND I'm quitting my studies, maybe he'd be even angrier then.. Who knows. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like whatever I decide, it'll define the rest of my life.. and it doesn't feel good. I'm not confident enough to make this sort of decisions alone but nobody else can tell me what to decide either. Tricky. Very tricky.

I'm off to clean the rest of the blood off my face.