Dad's coming from Finland today. I know I'm a horrible daughter but at the moment I'd rather be without him. I know that he'll eventually start bitching about my exams and studying and everything.. "I don't know you anymore." Well, surprise! Neither do I. Everything's so confusing, in my mind I've already decided to move back to Finland and that leads to me slacking even more than normally and these things called exams don't seem to bother me all that much really. And I know they should. I wish my dad was the understanding type who appreciated my decisions but he's not. He wants to live my life for me and prevent me from doing "mistakes", like quitting my studies here (his point of view), but the truth is that he can't live my life for me. If I decide to fuck things up, then it's up to me to get back up and clear the mess I've made. Up to me, noticed the words? ME. And I just can't tell him about my plans yet because I need to come up with bulletproof explanations. I don't know if "homesickness" and "general unhappiness" are that bulletproof in his opinion.

To make things worse, I really feel like I'm becoming.. stupid. Sometimes I find myself thinking the stupidest things that are just way too stupid to be thought of, even for me. If I'm reading a book and I check the page I'm on, I can't remember the number after 10 seconds. I forget EVERYTHING, including important uni stuff. Some guy changed his MSN name and I was like, where did the previous name disappear? Why isn't it on my list anymore? Jesus, this is NOT like me. Like I said in MSN yesterday, it's like my brain has brakes on most of the time. I can't function properly anymore and it's driving me nuts. I wasn't this stupid before, even if I've always joked about my IQ, but you know those were just self-defensive jokes. You know, to make myself appear dumber than I am in reality so that when people find out I'm not that dumb after all, my real smartness will seem to be greater than it really is. But this is the real shit, I really am a bit messed up. Maybe my brother's (the annoying one) right, maybe there is something wrong with me. Like on an emotional level. That's what he keeps telling me anyway.

I'm not sure if I know what I want from life anymore. Or maybe I do know.. that people would let me be myself and not force me to live up to their every little (and big) expection. I just want life to be like what it feels when I listen to Amélie's soundtrack or watch the movie or when I'm in Finland. This last Christmas's vacation was the closest thing to movie-like happiness I've ever experienced. And just so that you know, I know movie-like happiness doesn't really exist. Don't worry, I can still be realistic. I know life isn't all roses and stuff like that, and I know that even if I moved back to Finland, it wouldn't always be like it was this Christmas. But being here in Serbia is the total opposite of normal life in Finland, the kind of life that I like.