I'm feeling slightly down. It's all this uni shit that I'm so tired of.. I did feel better last night though, after having a talk with Marina. The middle brother, the nicest brother in fact, found out about the Albanian guy my sister "was" seeing. Now I know why his nickname used to be Killer. I mean, the look in his eyes.. It made the blood in my veins freeze. It was this close that he didn't tell DAD. Maybe he saw the horror in my eyes because he changed his mind and is keeping his mouth shut for the time being. Anyway, my brother also saw the Albanian guy's pics on the internet so I had to warn my sister to delete all the comments she's been writing to the boy. Feels a bit funny to call him a boy, because he's one year older than I am - he'll be 22 this year. Though on the other hand, I don't think of myself as a woman either. Anyway, I think everything's going to be alright. It's just so amazingly hard to hide things from your parents, i.e. date someone who you shouldn't be dating just because your parents are showing their extremely (and surprisingly) racist side. I don't understand it. They haven't even seen the guy and yet there they are, saying that my sister had better forget everything about him if she wants to stay in the family, because "that nation is rotten". Well, so is every other nation, too, if you start thinking like that. And who are we to judge other people just by their nationality? I mean, we're half Finnish and half Serbian, and some people have very racist opinions about Serbians because the media has made it look like the whole Balkan war was the Serbians' fault. True, they did horrible things and killed a lot of people but they weren't the only ones. What I'm trying to say here is that we're not perfect, no one is, and we don't have the right to judge people by something that they can't help, like their nationality. It's just so stupid. And he sounds like a great guy if we don't count the fact that he was caught kissing his ex, but my sister gave him another chance so I guess it's ok. Not my relationship, not my business to judge. I'm there only to support and offer a shoulder she can lean on if there ever comes a time for that.

I miss her so much. About a week ago I dreamed that she came here to visit me and I returned with her to Finland, but the plane crashed on our way home. Luckily it dropped into a river (I think it was the Nile) and we survived and swam to the shore, and I called mum that we were ok (mobile was miraculously still working), while we were still standing in the water among the reeds. The annoying brother said that this must mean that I can't just give up and quit my studies here, that I'm weak and that I'm doing a big mistake if I return to Finland my tail between my legs. I don't believe in his explanation, I think the dream was caused just because of the horrible guilt that I feel because of all of this, I myself feel as if I'm not allowed to return to Finland. And I wasn't even going to tell him but he overheard me telling mum about it when we talked last night. Like Marina said, he's not some dream-interpretating medium. I know what goes on in my mind at all times while he's hardly ever aware of my real thoughts. Sadly.

I just wish I could get rid of the guilt that haunts me everytime I think about returning to Finland "with my tail between my legs".

Something to listen to:
Bodyrox ft. Luciana - What Planet You On