I'm so very confused. I still want to return to Finland but the guilt is killing me. And my dad talking about the future. Whenever he starts that, I start squirming and feeling uneasy, like a kid who dropped a flower pot from the shelf and then swept the remains of the plant under the sofa and didn't tell anyone. I've actually done something like that sometimes. Anyways.. I'm horrified. I'm doing bad. I'm trying to make myself feel better by shopping but it's not healthy. Especially when I have to pay the second third of my school fees by myself, 500 euros. I have the money and I'm getting it back in the end of the year but still.. I payed one third by myself last year too but didn't get it back, but I didn't mind then. After all, my parents supplied me with money all the time when I was living at home, they bought me all my clothes and make-up and other stuff. So I guess it's not that bad.. But now I'm supposed to buy that laptop and even if I'm left with about 700 euros after paying the school fee thingy, I know I can't buy it now. Not that I'm moving anywhere anytime soon so I guess I'm not really needing the laptop yet, since there's this old crappy desktop.. which is going to die in the near future, as you might remember me saying.

I have no idea what I was trying to say. Probably something about being confused in every damn way. I got a letter from Iiris and reading it made me sob (tears of joy and homesickness). Then Oona texted me today and as I had just been feeling kinda crappy, it made me feel better. Why isn't it already July?

Marina is going to the ball on Friday. Sweet mother of Jesus, is it already 3 years since WE went to that ball, when we were 17? It feels like a lifetime ago, I was a different person back then. Anyway, I'm not in the mood for being nostalgic. Marina told me she's been to solarium 4 times just because of the ball and that made me make up my mind - I went and made an appointment with the local "beauty center" and I'm going tomorrow to get rid of my pale winter skin. I'm starting with sessions of 5 min and then gradually staying longer so that I won't burn my skin. That'd be bad. And.. um, now I'm going to the hairdresser's to get my ugly natural-coloured roots hidden. I know my natural hair colour isn't that ugly really, just a bit boring, but when you see it next to the dyed hair, it looks just so.. grey. I'm 20. Grey isn't good.

Whoop, 4,5 months to go! I could almost start singing. Can't imagine what it'd be like to return to Finland knowing that I've only got a one-way ticket. It'd probably be the most amazing feeling ever.