Yesterday I had the weirdest conversation with Tinkku, my 15-year-old sister, in MSN. Before yesterday I've never really been able to connect with her because of the age gap, it still feels like she's 5 (max. 9). That's why I was so shocked when, after I had asked her how she was, she answered "fine, except for boy matters". I was like, wtf, she doesn't have a crush on someone does she? HOW CAN SHE, she's just a kid! And then I remembered she's already 15. I.. I just, dont' know. I feel a bit old. Not too old, you know, but.. older. And just a few days ago when I was feeling homesick and a bit blue, I thought how time has literally flied by. It feels like I was 16 just yesterday, starting high school, so full of energy and optimism and all that stuff. But it wasn't yesterday, it was 5 years ago. And I wonder what would've happened if I had never heard of Mikael and his pussy posse, would I be different? Most likely yeah. And I'm sorta glad, you know, because even if there were some bumps on the road and bad stuff, I think I'm finally on my way to become the person I always wanted to be. In jr. high/middle school (whatever you call it) I thought I could change overnight, but it's so not like that. You don't change yourself just by changing clothes or the way your hair is, the change comes from within. And I think Mikael and the rest of the gang had a rather big effect on the way my personality developed. I still remember what Mikael said to me in 2004, about being like all the other girls at the club, and how I was sad and angry back then because it was as far from the truth as possible. Now.. now I don't know, maybe to an outsider who reads this diary (where I write about my obsessive shopping, neurotic relationship with my body, almost having threesomes with guys I met at the club just that day, nights out and horrible hangovers and all the superficial shit), maybe to an outsider I seem to be like all the other girls, a bit mindless and not too smart. But it's just one side of me, there's so much more to see.

Uh, I dont even know what I'm trying to say anymore and I should leave to uni, I got some dendrology classes. Uni reminds me! Even if I'm moving back to Finland this summer and quitting my studies here, I don't feel like a failure. That's it. That's what I was trying to say. Things could be so much worse, I could be unhappy. I was unhappy here but now that I see light at the end of the tunnel, the light radiating from my shiny new plane tickets to Finland, I can honestly say that I'm happy. I feel so relaxed. Things aren't so bad after all!

I also started working out a few weeks ago, then stopped because I got sick, and on last Monday started again and worked out 6 days last week, 45-60 min a day. Basically I just want my body to look as good as I feel inside at the moment. All this makes me feel happy too, all the endorphines that I get from it are so damn addictive! I have no idea why I didn't start earlier.