I haven't been angry in a long time. Maybe 'angry' is the wrong word... There's this really good Finnish word that describes my mood perfectly, 'vittuuntunut'. And I haven't felt like that in ages, I thought I'd grown out of it. It's that feeling that makes me want to throw something very fragile and very expensive and hope it smashes into a million tiny pieces, because for some weird reason I think it'd make me feel better. It's the feeling that makes me want to scream and cry and swear but I'm unable to do any of this - except the last one (for some reason I don't swear when I speak Serbian but when I open my mouth to speak Finnish, it's all just vittu saatana, even if I know I shouldn't speak like that - totally off-topic). I don't know why I feel like this and I wish I had some sort of an on/off switch so that I could stop feeling like this. The only good thing is that all this anger (or "vitutus", your pick) fuels my work-out sessions pretty nicely. The other day I managed to take over 9600 steps during my hour-long session on the stepper. But so much for the good effects, my grumpy mood out-weighs all them when I'm not working out.

It doesn't help that I had to pay my ticket to Finland by myself (around 280 euros) which means that if my brothers move out in this month, I won't have money to buy a laptop and won't be able to use MSN to talk with my friends and sisters OR write this diary, unless I drag my ass round my brothers'. AND my study grants from Finland didn't arrive this month for some fucking stupid reason. My brother's did, so what's the problem with my money? I love Finland and the whole study grants system but I absolutely HATE Kela more than anything about Finland. Why do they always have to cause problems when I need them the least? Anyway... All this leads to me having only 80 effing euros on my bank account and that's just not enough for a month even here. As I write this, that angry feeling grows and grows inside me even if I try to suppress it, and the need to use the less pretty side of my Finnish vocabulary too. I'm just so fucking tired of Serbia and everything here. I wish I wasn't such a wimp and would've told mum and dad about moving back to Finland already in last July when I started really seriously thinking about it. Feels like I've been just wasting my time here.

ANYWAY. I'm coming to Finland on the 1st of July on the 19:25 flight with Finnair. 82 days! Whoop.