Today Marina's going to tell dad that she's dating that Albanian boy. Maybe I shouldn't call him a boy.. but then again, 21-year-olds aren't quite men yet. Even if he'll be 22 in October. I sure as hell know I'm not a woman yet, and I'm only one year younger than Marina's boyfriend. Sigh. Anyway.. Marina took him yesterday home to meet mum - it was safe since our oldest brother was in Jyväskylä for the weekend. Mum's still a bit against her dating him but I think it's only because she's afraid of dad's reaction. Mum thought it might be good if Marina waited til summer and then told dad about the Albanian guy, when we'd all be in the same country, but Marina's sick of lying to everybody about the guy and saying that she's going to see some friends when in fact she's going over to his place. And besides, if she tells dad now, dad will explode and get mad and it'll feel like the end of the world is coming, but then eventually he'll (hopefully) calm down enough before mum, Marina and Tinkku come here for June.

Marina said she's scared as hell and I totally understand her. We both are afraid of dad because he can be very.. scary. He's so strict, conservative and if there's anything he hates, it's Albanians. You know we're half Serbian and if you know about things and maybe follow the news or something, you know about this Kosovo thing, how Kosovo declared independence maybe about a month ago and how the whole Serbia went nuts and lit the U.S. embassy on fire during the riots. My dad loves Kosovo, his parents were from there and even if he never lived there, he feels as if it's his real home and in his opinion the worst thing that could happen (and did happen) is to let the Albanians get it because it isn't theirs. So all Albanians must be hated. I think he'd get a heart attack if he heard that Marina's boyfriend was actually in our house.

Anyway, last night when we were talking in MSN Marina asked me to prepare my two youngest big brothers (the ones that live and study here in Serbia) by reminding them that when dad finds out, they had no idea. They've never even heard the guy's name. He doesn't exist to them. It'd break dad's heart if he knew he was the last one to know. So.. I did it. The nicer brother took it pretty well, considering how much he hates Albanians. The annoying brother didn't take it that well.. He started lecturing me how me and Marina are naïve idiots who think everybody's so nice and blah blah blah, when in fact all Albanians are full of shit and ready to cut your throat open. Umm, okay.. Then I told him that maybe mum is a naïve idiot as well, since she's finally started to accept the guy and even invited him to our home yesterday. That made my brother go quiet, but clearly he was annoyed with me because he started lecturing me about how stupid I am because of quitting my studies here and moving back to Finland. I thought I had told him already but apparently he didn't take me seriously or didn't listen to me because when I last night reminded him about it, he acted like he's hearing about my plans for the first time.. Oh well, you know, I'm just a flicky idiot who never has anything smart to say and if I decide on something big that will determine the rest of my life, I can't be serious because hey, since when have I been able to do that sort of decisions? He didn't understand why I want to leave, even when I told him that I'm unhappy here. He said that he could see that I was unhappy, to which I replied that of course he could, after all didn't he secretly read my diary last year? What a Sherlock. So, basically during our hour-long "conversation" he was implying that if I quit my landscape architecture studies here and start studying landscape designing in Finland, first I'll become a poor student who can't even afford to eat (to this I said that at least I'd finally lose weight) and IF I graduate I'll become bitter because there'll be a couple of zeros missing from my paycheck, but you know, most likely I WON'T graduate because living in Hämeenlinna would be so much more horrible (hahaha) than living in Belgrade that I'd quit my studies there too and move crying back home to Helsinki and would just sit home with mum who'd pay my bills and food and then I'd never become anything else but a chainsmoking single mother who lives in Roihuvuori in a seedy box of an apartment and wonders bitterly why she ever left Belgrade and quit her landscape architecture studies. I mean.. WHAT THE HELL? I swear to god that I'm adopted. I must be.

I'll prove him wrong. I'll prove him so wrong that he won't know what hit him. Mentally speaking, of course. After all, I know that words can be more violent than any fists.

Something to listen to:
DMX - X Gonna Give It To Ya