Dunno really why I feel so crap. It's not just because of last Sunday, it's because of.. everything. I just.. don't know what to do anymore. Goddammit I should be happy! I haven't been this fit in years, my hair's finally pretty long (to my shoulder blades), I finally think that I might actually be pretty, I might have something going on with one Finnish guy, and.. you know. I still work out 6 days a week, do my best to eat only healthy stuff, drink lots of water and green tea, but.. I just don't know! It's like a piece is missing. My brother makes me feel bad for supporting my sister. He has these "snappy comments" he says (to me) whenever the tricky subject (Albanian guy) comes up in a conversation, and basically they're meant to indicate how stupid I am for not realizing that all Albanians are horrible terrorists that steal our land and are ready to slit everyone's throats while they sleep. And then he even said that he talked with his friends and girlfriend about my return to Finland. It's none of their business! None of their fucking business. I don't want him to talk about me with them. He's probably talking shit about me anyway all the time. Gosh, I don't even want to think about all the times he must've talked and complained about me to his friends.

In a way nothing has changed since 2003, I still need that shoulder to cry on. And I still wish you could just buy them from a shop. It's kinda pathetic actually, not to be able to cope on your own. But I've always been like this and it's so hard to do all this alone. And by "this" I mean my whole life, but especially the decision about moving back to Finland, or should I say announcing it. I wish that mum was here, or at least Marina. I'll be 21 soon but I'm not ashamed to admit that I still need my mum. Right now I'd welcome anyone here though, anyone who'd tell me that it's ok to do feel like this, make decisions like this, decisions that will result in some people being very disappointed, and that it's ok to make mistakes like this (my only mistake being moving here in the first place, but I was 18 and silly*). The email Heidi sent me today made me smile and talking with Marina sorta too, but right now it seems like nothing can take away this terror completely. It's like I need someone to hold my hand while I tell dad. It's just not.. not natural to be this afraid of your own dad. Not natural.

And now after all this ranting I'm hungry. Effing great. This entry doesn't really make any sense. But it eases my burden a bit if I'm able to rant about it somewhere, so you just gotta put up with it. Sorry.

Oh btw, I passed that mid-term exam. Doesn't really matter though, does it?

*I'm still pretty silly but not that silly.